Wireless camera

Apple's iPad, announced last week, appears to be the perfect device for consuming different kinds of media: video, the internet, text, games.

Which is why I won't likely be getting one.¹

Mike Melanson, at Read Write Web, noted, for instance, the lack of a camera in iPad and suggested it was a huge problem. I, myself, in private conversation, have said that the lack of a camera is one of the reasons I'm not that interested.

But where would a camera go? Facing towards the user, it would make a great camera for video chat, but that's less than ideal if you're going to be taking picture (or video) of someone else.

That being said, as I laid down last night, I was startled by a random thought: what if one could use their iPhone, tethered to the iPad via WiFi or Bluetooth, as a wireless camera?

Wouldn't that be awesome? Stream the video to the iPad, which then saves the video or streams it off somewhere else? You can point it towards yourself, or the scene around you, where you like.

I thought that, since Apple is now allowing Bluetooth keyboards on iPad, that they would loosen up the restrictions on Bluetooth on the iPhone, too; for the moment, only Bluetooth headsets are allowed on non-jailbroken iPhones.

However, Mike Bissell looked into it and, apparently, all one can do is access files via Bluetooth, or so he said to me on Twitter.

That said, the tools to do almost this may already be available: right now, using the Ustream Broadcaster app, one can stream video from iPhone to a website, which one could watch on their iPad. Not quite the same thing, but close.

And I'm sure there will be more solutions available as the iPad starts to appear in the world.

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¹ Note that I'm not saying iPad isn't going to be a hit, or that it's broken somehow or stupidly designed. It's simply not for me. I'm not that interested, as long as I have my iPhone for mobile consumption and my MacBook Pro for mobile creation. • 4:42 PM 0 comments

Measure 66 and 67

I am glad that Measure 66, the initiative to raise the top rate for individuals making over $125,000 and families making over $250,000, and Measure 67, the initiative to increase the minimum corporate tax from $10 to $150, appears to have passed. At least, when I went to bed last night, the local newspaper, The Oregonian, was predicting they would both pass.

Which has to gall the editors at the Oregonian, considering the apparent lies they were telling in regards to the ballot measures in the last few weeks.

Be that as it may, I am hopeful that the measures passed due to some good ol' fashioned populism. In my view, the rich have been getting theirs for quite some time, and meanwhile our basic, shared, infrastructure has been falling apart. Gee, cutting taxes doesn't create jobs and help everyone out; who knew? Our streets are broken, our schools aren't teaching, our sick aren't getting healthy.

Passing these two ballot measures will help fill the giant budget gap that has been the result of the conservative movements anti-tax experiment. Conservative darling Grover Norquist's desire to "drown government in the bathtub" is repudiated. Or so I hope.

Someone has to make the argument that government, as an institution, can make our lives better, not worse. Someone has to say, repeatedly and forcefully and sincerely, that government is the only institution we have that can face down amoral corporatism and redress the balance of power.

Of course, government that isn't made up of the efforts of citizens is nothing more than another wing of corporate power. Which is pretty much what we have right now on a Federal level.

But the progressive movement is growing and that includes more involvement in government by regular folks.

Score one for us progressives today with the passage of Measure 66 & 67. • 5:58 AM 3 comments

Gaming in a new way

I can't play D&D the way I used to.

I mean, I could. But I have so many more tools and options available to me now.

25 years ago, I didn't have a computer that can access vast stores of knowledge and stories, for example. Just being able to call up a Wikipedia article on the geography of North America has had a profound influence on my campaign, especially because I'm basing my map on real-world geography. In order to get this info back in the early days, I would have had to spend the afternoon at the library (not that that would have been a bad thing).

And that's just general knowledge; it doesn't even take into account the amount of game-specific sites out there! If I need random Elven names, or a list of possible encounters for a coastal wilderness, those are just a Google away.

Or take maps, for another example. In the old days, I would have had to draw the maps out by hand, on graph or hexagon paper. Making a larger campaign map, while fun and creative, meant a lot of effort and expense.

But I realized recently that I can use a good free image editor to do all the hard work, and only print it out once I have all the details filled in. And if I need a poster-sized print, FedEx-Kinkos is in my neighborhood. I can keep the version I see, with all the details not meant for players' eyes in a layer I can turn off before printing.

Back when I was a kid, I had to make or purchase a DM's screen with handy tables on it, to aid me in running the game and hide my notes from inquisitive eyes. These days, my laptop screen does both jobs much better. Every table I need to use is just a click away!

Need to generate player characters, and calculate the weight of all those weapons, armor, and gold they carry? There's an app for that.

Here's an idea I've had but haven't actually used yet: if I need to share a picture with the players during a game, instead of printing it out, I can email or text it to one of the players who has an iPhone, which they can pass around the table to share! Easy peasy! • 7:33 AM 3 comments

Rain

I ran in the rain yesterday.

It was pouring down, hard, for almost the entirety of my 5.22 miles and nearly an hour-long exercise. The "almost" is in there because I didn't leave the house until it had slacked off a bit, the rain becoming a drizzle, lulling me into thinking that hey, maybe it won't rain the entire time.

Of course, less than a minute or two from home, the rain picked up again, and pretty much did not stop for the rest of the day.

I had my iPhone with me, sealed up tight in not just one, but two ziploc bags, arranged so their openings were at different ends of the phone. Still, I worried that somehow, water would work its way in and render my expensive smartphone useless.

It didn't.

I've run in the rain before. I've even enjoyed it before. But late last year, I allowed any excuse to prevent me from running. It's too cold. It's raining. It's too warm. I'm too tired.

But in the last month or two, I've begun, again, to run. Even in the rain.

In fact, I ran stronger for the entire five-plus miles than I have in a while. Sure, I've had faster, shorter sessions, but that one on Sunday was steady nearly the entire way. The speed workouts I do once or twice a week really do help. So does losing weight. I'll be in great shape for the Shamrock Run in March.

Is the rain motivating, in the sense of "I can't wait to get out of this"? Maybe so. After I had finished my run, I still had to go do some shopping and maybe get a bite to eat, and I was less than motivated to go back out in it. I took a bus to one of my favorite restaurants, the Iron Horse, and ate, then took another bus trip, involving a transfer, to Fred Meyers in Oak Grove, then took another bus trip back to my neighborhood. I'd dressed for the weather, in camp pants, hat, and Columbia rain coat with hood, but even so, when I got back home, I was soaked through. Not a good feeling.

I still needed dinner, and did not have much food in the house, but I made do, because I was not going to go back out in the rain again that night.

And I didn't. I'd had my fill.

Stupid rain. • 7:57 AM 0 comments

iPhone apps

It's Sunday and time for something a little less serious.

iPhone apps.

Friday I had a one-on-one with my boss, who is a gadget-hound and geek of the highest order. I mean that as a compliment; that's how it should be in IT. And things have been going very smoothly at work, so I didn't have much to talk about or requests to make, and when that wound down, my boss pulled out his iPhone 3GS and asked me if I had any cool new apps to recommend to him.

He knows I'm an Apple fan, and that I tend to keep up more on the Apple side of the tech divide than the Microsoft side. It's fun and awesome, because at work we are massively majority Microsoft on the desktop, but if any questions or issues come up with Mac OS or iPhone, my boss will steer those my way.

Then last night, over at a friend's house, his wife was asking me what cool iPhone apps I have, too. Apparently the hunger for "the next cool app" is high among iPhone users.

In any case, I looked over the apps I use the most, and realized that most of them are utilities, designed to do a specific task and do it well: I use Quicken to track my money, I use Livestrong to track my diet, Runkeeper to track my running.

The few "cool" apps I have, I actually rarely use. Shazam feels like magic: listen to this song and tell me the title, artist, and lyrics. It's fun, but I don't use it all that often.

Dragon Dictation feels like magic, too: transcribe what I'm saying. And it doesn't fail very often, but when it fails, it's very humorous. You may think I don't use it often, and you'd be mostly right. I did, however, use it more in the winter when I was outside, wearing gloves, and needed to send an email or text, which is surprisingly often considering I'm a high text-sender.

(There are gloves out there that let one use a touch screen while wearing them, though, and I'd love to get a pair. Hint, hint.)

My "marquee" cool apps, though, I can really only show off at home: I have a handful of apps that let me control my entertainment system: play music, play a video, let guests pick a song from their iPhone. My major wish is that I could afford a way to let me power on the whole thing with my iPhone, and get rid of the remaining remote control, too. I'm sure there's an app for that, too - I just can't afford an upgrade right now. • 9:04 AM 0 comments

Personal touch

A downside to cooking for myself more is that I don't have as many conversations with waitstaff anymore.

That statement makes me seem a bit starved for human interaction, doesn't it?

And I guess I am, a bit. Just a bit, though. I'm pretty happy right now with my social life. I spend a day or two a week with one or several of my friends. Tomorrow night I'll be meeting a friends' wife for the first time, having dinner at their house. Of course, earlier this week I hosted my monthly D&D game; prior to the game I spent the afternoon and had lunch with Terry. I'm in constant contact with Tracy via text, and regularly trade emails with Kevin.

Yeah, I'm happy with my social life right now. I have good friends around me.

The small part I miss, though, is the small random interactions, the chance encounters. If I'm honest, though, those were always few and far between in my life. Maybe they stand out in my memory only because I didn't have regular contact with close friends? And because of the rarity of the chance encounter, I have to admit I wasn't very good at them: I often ran out of things to say, or didn't know how to continue the conversation, or failed to express an interest in talking to them again. Or, worse, did those things in an awkward way.

If I think about it now, though, I spend a bit more time at the grocery store these days. There's a chance for interaction. I still visit my local coffee shop regularly and talk to my coffee guy and the girl who works there, and could possibly get to know some of the other regulars there. I see pretty much the same faces every day on my bus ride to and from work. The people who run the Thai restaurant near my house still recognize me, even though I don't go in as often.

I still have opportunities for random conversations. Maybe the lack was just a mental blind spot for me? I've been feeling the winter doldrums quite a bit for the last month or two; hopefully with the return of sunnier weather and longer days, my mood will pick up. • 6:43 AM 0 comments

Thoughts on a current lack of a health care reform bill for the President to sign

If I can get political for a brief moment¹, I look around on the morning after the Massachusetts special election and see a lot of blaming going on. This is to be expected: elections produce winners and losers, and it's human to try to figure out why.

I've got some opinions, too, but for the moment I only want to make one small point. John Scalzi suggest that some of the blame for the endangered state of health insurance reform lies at the feet of progressives, because progressives criticized the President and somehow weakened him, is just the same old "it's always OK to punch a hippie" conventional wisdom.

When I look at progressives, what I see is that they have been trying whatever they can to enact real health care reform, not just pass any fucking thing, shovel money at the insurance industry middlemen, and call it good. I do not get how that translates into "weakening President Obama", I just don't.

Jane Hamsher has been trying to push through better legislation. Markos Moulitsas Zuniga pushed for better legislation. Many many more, that I'm too lazy to google and link, did the same.

Of course, Mr. Scalzi doesn't actually specify who he means by "progressives", which may be chalked up to his writing that post late in a sleepy frame of mind. Or it may just be a strawman argument and a reflexive "punch a hippie" attitude. I don't know which. Mr. Scalzi strikes me politically as a "moderate"; he often tries to distance himself from what he sees as both right and left extremes. I'm definitely a progressive, way over here in Little Beirut.

But from the way I see it, criticizing a president only seems to "weaken" him if he's a Democratic one. It's always OK to do... whatever... when one is a Republican.

Still.

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¹ And I can. It's my blog. Not being mean, just being real. • 8:20 AM 0 comments

Yessir, the check is in the mail

Until I can get some time to write something down with a bit more creativity, I present to you a puzzle: Can you read this quote and not want to re-watch¹ the movie from which it comes?

"Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol' storm right square in the eye and he says, 'Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it.'"

Well... can you?

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¹ Surely everyone who reads my blog has already seen this movie previously? More than once? • 8:48 AM 2 comments

Refreshing fantasy

Right now I'm involved in two different Dungeons & Dragons games, which will mark me as a geek among the highest order. Which I'm quite proud of, so save your taunts and your barbs 'cause I will ignore them.

In one game, I am the Dungeon Master; I've written previously about that game and it has continued. In fact, we're meeting again next Monday.

Tonight, though, I played in the other group. In this one, I'm a player, rather than running the game. Right now we have a group of five players, though we may be adding another player in the future.

I'll spare you most of the details of the game and world, because I'm sure that listening to other folks describe their adventures is only interesting to a small handful of people. But the DM, Lynn,¹ has made some interesting choices. He's using an alternate historical setting, putting us in Europe around 950 C.E., with the additions of standard D&D tropes: magic-users, clerics with spells, elves and dwarves and orcs and goblins. Magic, though, is rare, and controlled by a group that owes ties to the Catholic church; and priests who cast spells and heal by touch are rarer still.

I got involved in the game on the idea that it would be a temporary gig; Lynn was writing a module for sale, and wanted a group to playtest it. So I was handed a character, one I did not create from scratch myself. That being the case, my character began a bit "vanilla" and outside my comfort range, but in playing him I've grown to like him and enjoy trying to put myself into his shoes. He's a straight fighter, a swordsman of vaguely Germanic background, one who values the law and hierarchy and structure, and who gives at least lip service to the demands of the church.

He's also a bit abrasive and tonight I discovered through play that he's a bit of a misogynist, which I thought was a logical attitude for the times and considering his background, but led to a funny/awkward moment tonight when it bumped up against the rather modern ideas of our mixed-gender group.

We were investigating the disappearance of a local old maid who had disappeared, a cook who was renowned for her special herbed butter. When we searched her shack, she was gone, but Aoric, my swordsman, realized that the exotic and foreign herbs and spices were probably worth considerable gold coin, and began stuffing them into a bag. The priest, Father Caelin, and the elven nature-worshipper, Galithean, both admonished me for stealing. To which I replied, honestly if defensively, "It's not stealing. She's a woman."

A shocked silence fell over the group. Including the DM.

I looked to the priest, sure he would agree with me (the player for the priest is well-versed in the historical context, much more than I am, surely he'd get it) but he just stared at me, eyes slitted.

"Oh," I said, "even the priest is giving me the eye. Um, I'm just saving them for the old woman, so we can give them back to her if — I mean when — we find her again." And if we don't, I reasoned, I'll just keep them and sell them.

The priest informed me that even though women couldn't own land, they could still have posessions. In that moment, I had channeled my inner Jayne, and had found the nugget for my character.

Aoric's moment of glory came later, when he dealt the death-blow to the Italian mercenary who had been hired to ambush and kidnap the Margrave's son. It's the first and so far most satisfying critical hit I've rolled since I took up playing again.

But I'd promised not to regale you with tales of the game. The major point I wanted to make, before wandering off into storytelling, was that after each game, whether I'm running the game or playing in it, I am refreshed. I'm laughing, I forget my troubles, I feel as though I'm connecting to the other players, and my mind is always filled with plans and memories. It's amazing to me how energized I always feel for at least the next day or two.

I like playing, but it's more than that. I like telling stories, but it's more than that, too. The accomplishments are minor compared to the rest of my life, but I think being in a small party of like-minded folk, as opposed to being in a social gathering of strangers with nothing in common, is the circumstance under which I flourish. This is my favorite kind of interaction, and it makes me very happy.

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¹ In the game I DM, we have a player whose name is Lynn and she's female. In the game I'm a player, the DM's name is Lynn, and he's male. I've messed up emails by sending them to the wrong Lynn before. It's mildly embarrassing.

Labels: DandD

• 11:03 PM 0 comments

More self-improvement by running

I pushed myself a little bit last night during my run. I've been running on the treadmill at work for, oh, about the last four weeks or so, three times a week, like clockwork. And because running on the treadmill is so boring, about all I can stand is 30-40 minutes at a moderate pace (meaning 5.2 - 5.5 mph or so), which definitely taxes my cardio-vascular system but doesn't seem to lead to improvement, as far as I can tell.

So starting last week, and continuing this week, I added a speed workout that I call the "ladder".

Here's how I worked it: five minutes at the normal pace to warm up, then 5 minutes at a "fast" pace, which meant 6 mph or a 10:00/mile pace. Then four minutes at the slower pace to rest, then four minutes at the faster pace, then three minutes rest and three minutes fast, and so on.

Last night, I actually slowed to a fast walk for most of the rest segments, which felt like cheating, but to make up for it, I increased the fast segments by 0.1-0.2 mph each fast segment, until the last one minute fast segment was at 6.6 mph (or about a 9:06/mile pace).

This morning, my legs feel a bit sore, which hasn't happened in a while. I'm hopeful that means I will benefit from the speed workout in both stronger legs, and stronger cardio-vascular heart-beatin' oxygen-breathin' power.

Time will tell.

In related news, I'm still following the 100 pushups program, and this morning managed a set of 5/6/4/4/9, which is an incremental improvement over Monday's set. Once this week's exercises are done, I'm supposed to do another exhaustion test and then use that to re-calibrate. Not sure I'll be able to do 20 in a row, still, like @mizd did, but I'll manage more than 4, I'm sure.

Labels: exercise

• 7:42 AM 3 comments

Black beans

Sunday night, I bought a pound of dry black beans, and put them in a bowl, covered them with water and plenty of it, and let them sit overnight.

Monday morning, I chopped up some jalepenos, dumped the soaked beans and peppers and chicken broth, along with some spices, into the crockpot, and then turned it on.

Wait.

The recipe I had called for four hours of cooking on High, and then two (or more) hours on Low. My crockpot, a hand-me-down from my mom, only had a manual switch for Off/Low/High. I was going to be at work and, because I was going to hit the treadmill after work, I wouldn't be home for 11 or 12 hours. Did I want to leave the beans cooking all day on High? Would that overcook them? Is there such a thing as overcooking in a slow-cooker? Would it overheat, catch fire and burn down my apartment and the building it's in?

I'm a worrier.

So I put the crockpot on Low, figuring 12 hours of that would be enough cooking. Then I left for work.

On my way home from work, starving and needing food because of my workout, I thought about ladling out some spicy black beans over some Spanish rice I'd made this weekend, and chowing down. So good. I got off the bus, trusty #70 12th Ave, at New Seasons Sellwood, for a brief pit stop to see if they had a cheap ladle, since all I had were spoons; but I'm not going to pay $9.99 for a freaking ladle, no matter how fancy and pretty it was.

Walked home from there, still hungry. Walked in the front door; the whole house smelled like spicy beans. Went in the kitchen, saw that the crockpot was bubbling, slowly. Spooned out some to taste.

Damn. The beans weren't done. Still chalky and hard. Damn.

I guess 12 hours on Low is not the same as 4 hours on High, after all.

I settled for the Spanish rice, and put the crockpot on High again. Watched some TV, chilled, went to bed.

Woke up around 1 AM, suddenly worried about the crockpot. But when I checked on it, it was bubbling nicely, though the liquid was down a bit. Added a little bit more broth, then turned it to Low. Then thought better of it sitting like that all night, and unplugged it.

This morning, after making breakfast, I portioned out the beans and brought some, with more leftover rice, to work for lunch.

I still haven't had more than a small taste. But it's fun learning about cooking. • 7:59 AM 2 comments

Interaction

Social media like Twitter and Facebook is great and all, right up until you're following someone who disagrees with you. What do you do at that point?

Do you ask them questions to try to find out what the root of the disagreement is? What if they can't, or don't want to explain? What if they think your questions are intrusive and attacking, when you're only trying to understand? Do you draw conclusions based on their responses?

Do you try to explain your own point of view, because, surely, the basis of your opinions is rational, and if you can just explain clearly why you believe what you believe, the other person will have to abandon their inferior opinion. Right?

Or do you talk about them to other people who agree with you and not them? That other opinion is wrong, am I right? Why would they think that, I wonder, out loud and at no one in particular (hoping someone will agree with me)?

Or do you send them a note telling them you won't be following them from now on, and this is why, and goodbye? I mean, they would want to know why you're not paying attention to them anymore. That's what you would want, anyway, as long as you're being reasonable and rational and not at all emotional about this issue on which you and another person in your social circle disagree for reasons that may or may not be important. Right?

Or do you simply ignore them. How… how… boring.

I'm being snarky but I'm pretty sure I have done and thought all of those things before. Sometimes I'll pretend to take the high road and cloak my questions in the cloak of "honest inquiry", and sometimes I'll try to explain my own position and hope out loud that they'll change their mind while inwardly knowing they probably won't. And sometimes I'll just ask other friends about it.

Looking at that behavior right now, I don't really think I've been very mature. About any of it. I gotta be honest with myself and admit that there's a little bit of troll in me. And maybe you, too, yeah?

There is entertainment value in it, though, which is why I'm always tempted. And there can be honest engagement where I'm legitimately trying to understand a different viewpoint. Sadly, though, I often press on past the point of honest engagement. Knowing when to quit, ah, that's the real trick.

I find value, though, in keeping open lines of communication to people who don't see the world the way I do. I'm not inclined to unfollow someone on Twitter just because I don't like their opinions. I'd like to believe that I can listen, ask a question or two, and then just process the information without belittling the other person.

And my close friends, the ones whom I trust, always have an open invitation to call me on my bullshit. Lucky for me, they take advantage of that, as I return the favor to them. That's what makes them my friends. • 6:31 AM 2 comments

Sunday

Not much to say this morning. I wrung myself out with yesterday's post I think.

Spent last night with two fabulous dames, Tracy and Gina. Dinner at The Delta, which was terribly crowded and we had to wait an hour to be seated, in spite of our trying to sneak in the back and steal a table (what? We didn't know!). We gorged on flank steak and corn bread and red beans and rice and hush puppies.

Oh, and booze. Did I forget the booze? Had my first vodka mojito of the year, and, well, really, ever, and it was good enough to prompt me to buy the second vodka mojito of the year, and, well, really, ever. I'll probably stop counting them after this.

Then a quiet cup of coffee at my favorite local coffee shop, and then home.

Lots of conversation in-between, though. Private conversation.

Today looks to be a shopping and cooking day. I may have to find a reason to ride MAX this afternoon, though, since it's Global No Pants Subway Ride Day.

I may or may not post something else later. • 11:11 AM 0 comments

Hugs

Seven or eight years ago I was dating a woman, named Terri Ann, who, among other things, introduced me to the idea of the five "languages" of love.

These are the five primary ways we express romantic love (and other kinds, as well), and they are: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. Terri Ann explained to me that everybody generally uses all five in a relationship, but that we tend to use one or two more often than the others.

Things did not work out with me and Terri Ann, but we remained friends for a long time afterward, and I was there at her wedding to meet the man lucky enough to marry her. I still think fondly of her, but what I think about since then, and lately, is those five expressions of love.

I think that she and I were able to remain friends, where I've failed to do that with other girlfriends, because of the way we expressed ourselves around each other. Our languages of love were complementary. We both liked and appreciated physical touch and quality time. It may have been a contributing factor that she lived an hours' drive north from Portland, and we had to make a special effort to spend time together, so any time we were in each others' presence was quality time and a gift of sorts. Especially since I did not own a car and had to make explicit arrangements to go see her¹.

I've never read the book that she got the idea from, but I've developed my own ideas about these five languages. I've decided that the "primary" one is learned from family, and that we tend to both take it for granted and de-emphasize it, while seeking out the ones that we did not get as children. That makes sense, right?

I don't remember a lot of physical affection from my parents when I was growing up. I'm not saying they didn't love me; I'm just saying they didn't express themselves with hugs. My father tended to express love as acts of service; he worked hard to make sure we had a roof over our head and food on the table. He liked fixing and making things. I remember being in middle school when I was taking a class on the two World Wars; I needed a project for the class because the teacher assured us an A if we did some kind of special project. My dad suggested building a balsa-frame model of a WWI fighter plane, something I had never done before. My dad built the Red Baron's plane; I built a replica of the Sopwith Camel, the plane flown by the man who shot the Red Baron down. Dad and I spent a lot of time on either side of the dining room table putting those models together, covering the frame in tissue paper, and painting it.

I was a kid. I didn't value the model in and of itself. I valued the time I spent with dad working on it together. Later, when I was in high school, my friend and I blew that model up with fireworks, which was spectacular (for a teenager). I'm sure my dad would be dismayed to hear about that, if he doesn't already know. But that's the thing: I valued the quality time, not what was derived from it. And in another way, I devalued the time we spent together because I assumed it would always be like that.

So as an adult, when dating and trying to form close relationships, I model my parents' behavior. I spend time, lots of time, with the woman I'm courting. I work on their computer, or help them get their car tuned up.

But I also crave physical touch. I like holding hands as soon as I think I won't be rejected for doing so. I hug. And I think I crave all that because I did not get a lot of that when I was younger.

I was in high school before I remember hugging someone who was not a member of my family. I can clearly remember the circumstances. I was in the theater, on stage, after drama class, with some of my fellow students. I was an awkward and shy kid (who doesn't think of themselves that way?) and me and another male friend (the same one I blew up the plane with²) were leaving. The details of it all are gone, but I remember Tina deWitt, class president, turning to me and offering a hug. She was bright, and cheerful, and very cute, all dark curly hair, just a bit shorter than me, but I didn't really think of her in terms of romance.

Until she hugged me.

I'm pretty sure my body responded to her touch in a way I'll leave undescribed, but luckily she didn't notice because it was a lean-in hug. That was all it took. I can still smell the perfume in her shampoo; to this day I can feel her arms around my shoulders and hear the sparkle in her voice. And the reason I can remember all this is because it was so freakin' rare for me.

When I remember past girlfriends, even now, I am hugging them in my memory. And often, my present mind is analyzing the hug to demonstrate how uncomfortable they were with it.

I can remember Terri Ann standing in my apartment, dressed up for dinner out, and I go to hug her. Her head is above mine; I have to turn my head up to look at her and kiss her. In her heels she's three or four inches taller than me. She laughs, looking away, and I ask her why. She remarks on the height difference, and I laugh and tell her "I'm OK with it." Was she?

I can remember being downtown with Deb, and she was getting on MAX to go home, and while we waited for the train to show up, I hugged her. And I felt her pull away a little, and she didn't look me in the eye, so I asked her about it. "Do my hugs make you uncomfortable?"

"A little" she admitted. "Sometimes it's just… too much."

I'm no longer with Deb, clearly. That was six years ago now. But the memory, of me wanting touch, and being rebuffed, in words and small nearly unnoticeable movements, is still fresh.

Thinking of that, now, I connect it with a memory of my mom standing at the sink putting dishes in the dishwasher, and my dad coming up behind her to hug her from behind. And mom tenses up, stops what she's doing, and waits it out. "Bob," she says, simply, scolding. And dad laughs, but I can tell he's hurt, and he holds her a second longer, and then lets go, walks to the fridge, and gets something out of it, while mom goes back to washing dishes.

I know how he feels now. Over and over again.

Am I attracted to women who don't want what I want? Am I over-doing it? Or is it just a mis-match in communication?

So many questions… and it feels so much like there's less and less time for answers.

---

¹ Thank you, Zipcar! Although back then it was FlexCar, or possibly Portland Carshare; the company has changed over the years).

² Hi, Terry! (I'm pretty sure he reads my blog) • 8:34 AM 2 comments

Chin-ups are hard

Turns out chin-ups are hard. I can't even do a single one unassisted, which makes it very hard to even start a program to train myself to do 25 of them in a row.

But I still want to do this. I want to improve my upper body strength to match the strength I've built up in my legs from running.

Where to begin if I can't even get to the starting point?

Here's where I start:

• Wikihow's Do a Chin-up
• Indoorclimbing's Chin Up Bar Exercises

I began tonight. I'm going to do the simple, use-your-legs and hang-there-as-long-as-you-can exercises every Tuesday and Thursday until I can do at least one unassisted chin-up. I have no idea how long it will take me but I'll re-evaluate in three weeks.

Three weeks puts me in the middle of my Hundred Pushups plan. I know pushups work a different set of muscles but it's all upper body to me. And hopefully that will help me a bit with running.

Or at least help me look good in a shirt. Broad shoulders are always a good thing, right?

Labels: exercise

• 8:44 PM 5 comments

What will, and won't, get you kicked off CNN

Things that will get you kicked off CNN: using a common expletive every adult has heard or said.

A quickly-compiled and necessarily-incomplete list of things that won't get you kicked off CNN:

• Lying about terrorist attacks under former President Bush.
• Calling someone who has been proven to spout falsehoods a "straight talker".
• "Reporting" on a pro-war advertisement without calling out the false claims made therein.
• Uncritically repeating claims of reduced violence in Bagdad by the president without fact-checking said claims, in spite of concurrent evidence to the contrary.
• Comparing torture to a spanking.
  
• Being a convicted felon in connection with the dominant political scandal of the past 40 years.

To their credit, CNN did find a method for parting ways with a xenophobic, hate-filled pundit after controversy upon controversy. So perhaps this post should be comparing Kathy Griffin and Lou Dobbs. ...naaaaah. • 6:38 AM 1 comments

Gedankenexperiment

That's German for "thought experiment".

Which refers to this here little link I found on the Twitternets (via @pdxjoe).

If you didn't have to worry about work, bills, cleaning, feeding your family, etc., what would you do instead? With the condition that you have to try something you've never done before, and you have to focus on what you want to do, rather than what you should do.

Assuming money was no object, I'd drive cross-country, spending time in every state I can drive to. Maybe take a trip like William Least Heat-Moon described in Blue Highways. That's the first thing to come to mind. That's always been the "when I win the lottery" dream for me.

Other things that the blogger suggests are things I'm already doing: getting fit, writing a novel, getting in touch with old friends. Or things I've already done: skydiving, racing cars, talking my way into an illegal bar in Spanish Harlem where I drank and smoked Cuban cigars and danced until dawn.

What about you? What's your dream? • 5:18 AM 0 comments

New things

It appears I've added some items to my new year's goals.

Robin @mizd Catesby and her boyfriend are trying the One Hundred Pushups challenge. I met Robin during 30 Hour Day. Since running takes care of my lower body and cardio-vascular system, I thought trying to do the pushup challenge would be of benefit to me for my upper body strength, which is sorely lacking. And it'll give me an exercise to do on my off-running days.

Since that wasn't enough, I added the 25 Chinups challenge, too, which I found when I went looking for an iPhone app to keep track of all this, and since I have a chinup bar I don't really use.

For the record, I did the "initial test" for these two challenges last night. I was able to manage 4 perfect pushups before I had to rest, and was not able to manage even a single chinup, either with palms facing me or facing away (I got confused). Here's hoping their training program helps me significantly improve those numbers.

Also, as a side note, Rick and Cami have announced the date for the next 30 Hour Day: 2 July 2010, beginning at 6:00 PM. I've let them know that I am definitely in on that one, too. Save the date! Now I just have to come up with something to do…

I used my new Shopping app for iPhone (link opens in iTunes) to do some price comparison today. I've always assumed that QFC, because it's basically Fred Meyers (both owned by Kroger) is cheaper than New Seasons, in spite of the New Seasons store being closer to my house. Well, I compared a few of my normal items and there's a significant difference, and New Seasons is cheaper for me. Go figure. And the quality of their produce seems better, too. Since I'm doing more cooking at home, that will help me save money over the long term.

I've continued my LOST rewatch, and have just started Season 5 this weekend. I have plenty of time to finish this before Season 6 starts on 2 February 2010. This show rocks, although watching it all start to finish shows that J. J. Abrams, Damon Lindleof and Carlton Cuse, the series creators, have not always been successful in crafting a long narrative in the face of normal TV constraints, like the writer's strike, the vagaries of actors and the network, and their own impulses. Before Season 6 starts, I'd like to sit down and make a list of my hopes for what mysteries get wrapped up and what will likely be left behind. For now, though, I'm enjoying a terrific sci-fi action show.

What have y'all been up to? • 6:54 AM 0 comments

Luv Deluxe

Decision making is hard.

Cinnamon Chasers - Luv Deluxe (Music Video) from Saman Keshavarz on Vimeo.

Especially when it comes to love.

(via kottke) • 12:05 PM 0 comments

"Sherlock Holmes" (2009)

I am not a Baker Street Irregular; I have no detailed knowledge of the life and adventures of the consulting detective Sherlock Holmes. I only know the basics. I know he lived on Baker Street in 19th century London; I know his friend and companion was one Dr. Watson; I know his lifelong enemy was Professor Moriarty; and I know Holmes valued logic and observation above all else, taking such to extremes that we find almost supernatural today. Bits and pieces, here and there. Drug abuse. His brother Mycroft.

But I know enough to identify some creative additions in Guy Ritchie's and Robert Downey Jr.'s interpretation of "Sherlock Holmes".

First, in the modern movie, he's far more physical than I recall him being in the past. A rough-knuckled, manic-depressive, substance abuser. Can't remember the last actor who had to have a six-pack to portray the detective.

Second, from what I remember, Watson was nearly always much older; a harrumph-ing white mustached sort of chap. So having Jude Law play him feels like a change. A change for the better, I think. It puts the two characters' friendship into the realm of bromance.

I gotta be honest with you, Marge, I would watch Robert Downey Jr. in anything. He's one of a handful of actors that I find captivating. So it was a forgone conclusion that I would enjoy "Sherlock Holmes".

But Guy Ritchie's direction gives London such a gritty, realistic look, and the proper bantering between Holmes and Watson, and even the addition of a love interest for Holmes, the scandalous Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams)… The movie was great fun, even if the actual mystery, involving a Satan worshipping nobleman, was a bit of a letdown.

Still, if you dig brass-and-glass fittings, and Victorian clothing, and cobblestone streets, this is the movie for you.

Labels: movies

• 10:23 AM 0 comments

That inner negative voice

Everyone's got one. An inner critic. The downer. The inner negative voice. The bad friend in your head that you can't get rid of.

I used to listen to the negative voice all the time. He's always there, even when I ignore him. He's always telling me what to do. Or, rather, what not to do. Which is whatever I'm doing, or planning on doing, at the moment. If I am planning on going for a run, for example, the negative voice kicks in with all the reasons I shouldn't run.

"It's too cold."
"It's too hot."
"It's raining."
"It's snowing."
"You'll injure yourself."
"You look stupid and fat in these clothes."
"You need new shoes."

…and on and on, an endless loop of negativity. Don't do this now. Sit down. Tune out.

Way back before I started exercising regularly, I didn't even notice the negative voice. I just gave in to his demands and assumed I couldn't, or shouldn't, do anything else. He wasn't negative; he was just the voice in my head. He was the people who would point and laugh at me for trying and not doing it perfectly. Of course, in my life, there have been few actual point-and-laughers, though the few I remember have had an effect far out of proportion to their actual importance.

When I finally started exercising, it was in response to the stress of dealing with my parents; mom's cancer, dad's drinking and affair, and both of their expectations for me. I found an apartment that I could afford, was working a temp job, and looking for permanent work. The apartment was in a great neighborhood, although the building itself wasn't very posh and the neighbors were sketchy. But there was a gym just two blocks away, and my friend at the time, Jake, was almost spectacularly active, so I figured I would try working out as a way to relieve stress.

And I began to notice, and began to identify, that voice in the back of my head as toxic.

He sounded like my father, sometimes. He sounded like my mom at other times. Or like Kelly, the bully in high school who actually made fun and laughed at the way I put on my underwear after gym class. Or like the group of older girls in the library when I was in 3rd grade who asked me if I was new and laughed amongst themselves.

Even as I stood there on the elliptical trainer, working away, sweating, feeling better by the moment, he was talking to me, telling me to slow down, that that was more than enough, that I should go now, that people were staring at me, that my fat belly was jiggling, that I was making too much noise, that my heart was going to explode.

Sometimes I gave in.

But more and more often, I just ignored him.

One day, I can remember this quite clearly, as I was walking the two blocks to the gym, I was listening to some music, and of course he was trying to shame me into not going. I responded to him. "Fuck you!"

I said it out loud, although not very loud. Loud enough for me to hear it over the music in my headphones. Loud enough that I immediately worried that if someone heard me they'd think I was crazy. Or maybe that worry was him?

I thought back at him, "Fuck you. I am doing this. Fuck off, you fucking fuck. You don't get a vote."

And, briefly, the voice quieted down to just a feeling. A nagging, I don't wanna feeling. While I still felt that, I mentally shouted "Fuck you!" over and over while I kept walking to the gym, while I said hi to Noel, the owner, and walked up to the machine I wanted to use by the window, and got on and started running.

It may not be the most positive way to deal, but that's how I manage the inner negative voice. I notice him, I tell him to fuck off, and I keep doing what I want to do. It doesn't matter how many times I've worked out and felt great afterward, it doesn't seem to matter how much positive feedback I get from friends and strangers, he's always there. Sometimes he's quieter, but he's always there.

If anyone knows a way, short of heavy medication, to make him go away for good, I'd be all ears. I just assume he's part of me, though, and try to reinforce the idea that I don't have to listen to him or do what he wants.

Sadly, I still have trouble noticing him when he's blocking me in other areas of my life; social situations, work, friendships and family. Oh, man, family brings him out like nothing else does. I need a lot of work in that area, for sure. What's that they say about why it's so easy for your parents to push their buttons? Oh, right, it's because they installed them.

I'm a work in progress, of course.

What tips do you have for dealing with the inner negative voice? Who does yours sound like? What's he/she preventing you from doing? • 12:23 PM 8 comments

Starting today

I like making new goals. I like taking a look at my life, seeing what works and what doesn't work, and then making plans to change the things that aren't working. Waiting until New Year's Day to make a resolution, though, just seems dumb and wasteful. If you know what you need to do, why not do it?

It's one thing to "have one more for the road". Believe me, I've done that. A lot. But putting something off for weeks or months just so it coincides with an arbitrary date of January 1st is a bit much.

OK, I lied. I just went back to check, and it turns out I have made New Year's resolutions in the past, at least twice. First, here's a list from 2007 that I started, but never actually published. Let's see how I did:

• Learn to trust myself
• Work on trusting others
• Own something "real" (condo, house, stocks... anything)
• Run a 5K in under 26:24
• Run a 10K in under 52:48
• Run a half-marathon
• Weigh under 165 for at least 6 months (hopefully permanently)
• MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC
• Write three more novels
• Finish and publish my second novel

Leaving aside what some of those even mean - "MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC"? ...the Hell? - I didn't even come close to those, at least in 2007.

I did run a half-marathon, eventually, last year.

I haven't written three new novels, I haven't "finished" or published my second novel ¹.

My fastest 5K time to date is the Race for the Roses 2007, at 27:12, and my fastest 10K time to date is the Cinco de Mayo 2007, at 58:40, so I was definitely working towards those goals that year.

My weight records for that year are lost to me now (note to self and others: don't use tools that don't allow me to extract my data in plain text) but I'm pretty sure I didn't make it to 165 lb that year - or since.

Owning something "real" (in the financial/legal sense of "real property")? Nope. Not yet. Except for my single, symbolic share of Apple common stock, which will never make me rich because I don't intend to ever sell it.

In 2008, I posted a "goals" list that covers much the same territory as the previous list: run faster, weigh less, write more and get my writing out in front of the public, get out of debt, and work on my socializing skills. Those are definitely my long-term goals.

Are these goals too difficult? Are they too far off? For example, I weighed in this morning at 194 lbs; getting down to 165 would be 29 weeks away, at one pound per week. That's late July. My strength of will varies on a much faster schedule than that. I have good days, and bad weeks, is what I'm saying.

I like what Penelope Trunk has to say about keeping resolutions: start with small steps, work in increments of three weeks at a time, set specific goals, and most importantly, start right now.

Starting today, here's my goals for the next three weeks:

• Wear my running clothes for an hour every other day - by simply making an effort to put on running clothes and wearing them for an hour, I'll be inclined to go for a run. That's why I have exercise-specific clothes in the first place. I never wear my running shoes for anything except running, so just the act of putting them on signals to my brain "I'm going running".
• Track every dollar I spend - simply by tracking my money, I'll be more aware of what I spend, and hopefully by measuring it, I can make changes.
• Weigh in every morning - again, what is measured, can be changed.
• Write a blog post every day - easy-peasy, right? One post per day. If I'm really ambitious, I'll start writing ahead. But for now, one post per day. I have to have something interesting to say every day, right?

The social skills are, to me, the hardest to visualize and set a daily, recurring goal. "Talk to someone new every day"? Too easy - if I buy coffee, does that count? Reply to someone on Twitter? Send out a response on Craigslist?

I've had, in my mind, a new blog idea, of documenting my thoughts and progress in becoming more social. In the meantime, though, I've put myself out there a lot more than I have in the past; especially in 2009. Dating, going to Tweetups, volunteering for 30 Hour Day, getting involved again in my union at work (AFSCME Local 88 represent!), interacting on Twitter, playing D&D and starting my own group that meets monthly, reconnecting with old friends… seriously, 2009 was a banner year for me, socially.

When I figure out how to make that a daily goal, I'll post it.

---

¹ If that "publish my second novel" confuses you, because I haven't published my first novel yet, here's my explanation: my first novel is not going to be published, at least in my lifetime. I'm glad I wrote it, I learned a lot about writing long form fiction, but it's just not something I want to share. I may change my mind in the future, but don't bank on it. But I'll be happy to mine it for ideas I can turn into other stories. • 1:13 PM 0 comments

Movies of 2009

In 2009 I saw 30 different films. I attended showings of two movies multiple times: Star Trek got my money three times, and Away We Go got it twice. And this year, for the first time in memory, I had friends accompany me to more showings than in a very long time.

I think that I saw fewer movies this year because I spent more time with friends, actually. And that's not a bad thing. I want to be social and be around people I like, and who like me.

The following star ratings, from 0 to 5 stars, are given on the basis of the other movies I've seen this year, and are not meant to be compared to other years or other, older movies. I try to rate the movie based on my enjoyment, and how well it worked as that type or genre of movie.

Oh, fuck it, don't make me justify my star ratings. I like lots of different kinds of flicks, so I'm pretty generous when handing out stars. Sue me.

The films' title links to the IMDB page for the movie; the star ratings link to my blog post about that movie. Note that there are seven films on the list that I didn't blog about; if I write about them in the future, I'll update this list. Probably. If I think about it.

• 500 Days of Summer - **
• Avatar-****
• Away We Go-****½
• Capitalism: A Love Story-****½
• Coraline-***
• District 9-***
• Extract-**½
• Fantastic Mr. Fox-***
• Inglourious Basterds-***½
• Let The Right One In-*****
• Moon-*****
• Pirate Radio-****
• Slumdog Millionaire-****
• Star Trek-****½
• The Box-**
• The Brothers Bloom-****
• The Hangover-****
• The Informant!-***½
• The Men Who Stare at Goats-***
• The Messenger-****
• The Reader-***½
• The Road-***½
• The Wrestler-***½
• Up-*****
• Up in the Air-****
• Watchmen-***
• Where The Wild Things Are-***½
• Whip It-***
• Year One-**
• Zombieland-***

Labels: movies

• 7:00 AM 0 comments